As I sit here and write this post, I can only feel that the thoughts I’m thinking, and words I’m typing, they are not my own. And that’s a strange thing to think about, how could they not be my own? If they’re in my mind, then surely, they must belong to me. But if you ask a rational thinker, even some Christians to an extent, they will say, my thoughts are indeed, my own.
So I thought about this, and thought, if you’re a Christian, you implicitly believe that there’re words in your mind, that may not be your own, because if you look at the Bible, and believe it to be the “Word of God” then how could it have been written perfectly? Humans are innately sinful by nature, as the Christian doctrine suggests. We are imperfect creatures. But how could something, written by humans, be perfect? The only way to logically bridge that gap is to believe that the people who wrote these stories, they were merely the messenger, but not the author, meaning there are parts we, as humans, have interpreted wrong.
So I kept thinking about this, and tried to figure out what this all means. It was like my own voice was wrestling with another’s voice. I kept saying, “Who are you? Why do you keep coming into my mind?” to which the voice is saying, “I speak the truth, and have a message to deliver.” And this is where I stand. I stand at the feet where the rational mind and the spiritual mind meet. I stand at the edge, the border between chaos and order, between God and science.
It seems as if I talk to my theist friends, they call me foolish for suggesting the work of the scientists, the philosophers, it is the call of God in them to understand the meaning of this world God has created. That the in the word of God, therein lies the eternal truth, but also the psychological truth, the scientific truth, the archetypal truth. It is the truth that we live out in our day to day lives, the truth that guides us through the physical world. The rational truth. The practical truth. I suggest that maybe our blind acceptance in faith, it has stopped us from understanding the true word of God. That, in the same way, science has always challenged the church, we need to keep challenging the Christian doctrine. There’s a higher form of Christianity yet to be understood.
But again, they call me a fool to believe that the word of God, it should have some deeper meaning than the eternal truth, that I’m analyzing it too much. I’m being too objective about the passages of the Bible. There is no scientific or psychological truth, but only the truth of God. And so, I feel as if my words are unheard.
Then I step back, I examine myself. I think, maybe they’re right. Maybe I’m overthinking this whole idea of science inter-tangled with the Bible. So I speak to my atheist friends, they tell me, with the same level of contempt, I’m foolish to point out there is any spiritual truth inside their lives. The evidence of a higher being is all around us. That the way they live, the actions they play out in their day to day lives, it is nested in a Christian moral belief system. I tell them, you cannot deny you live out a life of a Christian, even loosely. I tell them, by your actions, your beliefs are most accurately expressed.
And so, I sit here, standing at the border of rational thinking and spiritual thought. I tell myself again, maybe I should just pick one side or the other. I must fully commit to the scientific truth, or must fully commit to the spiritual one. But then, as I take a step forward in either direction, I, myself, feel a conviction, a pull, in the other direction.
So I continue to walk the line of science vs. spirit, irrationality vs rationality, God vs. Science.
I don’t know exactly where I’m heading, but when I walk this path, I can’t help but feel that this direction, it is the right direction.
I feel as if I’ve fully understood what it means to “Walk with God” even if it turns out, none of this was true. It feels as if it was all worth it.
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